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This Incestuous Super Mario Bros. Theory Is In Another Castle Entirely

Thirty years ago, Nintendo first introduced the world to Mario’s mission, saving his one true love, Princess Peach. He had to dodge all kinds of obstacles the evil Bowser threw at him, but in the end, Mario always saved the Princess — if the video game player actually beat the game, that is.

But no one ever really questioned Bowser’s motives about kidnapping and imprisoning Peach. He liked the Princess and wanted her all to himself, but that pesky plumber just wouldn’t give up. Basically, it was simply a classic tale of obsessed love on Bowser’s part. Right? WRONG.

Reddit user Doogy65 dropped a major bombshell on everyone’s childhood by claiming, “Bowser is in fact Peach’s father, and wishes to engage in an incestuous marriage with her.”

This is us right now:

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Now, before you start lighting pitchforks and knocking down Doogy65’s door in retaliation for destroying your innocence, there appears to be some truth to this theory. Doogy65 provides solid evidence, so let’s take a look. Here we goooooooo!

Peach’s mother is the cause of everything.

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According to Doogy65, “Peach is in fact the spitting image of her deceased mother, whose death drove Bowser to madness, and seeing that his daughter had grown to so resemble his wife, he decided he would marry her.” That is definitely one of the most disgusting sentences I’ve ever read. I know Bowser has issues — murdering, attempting murder and kidnapping — but this?! Wow.

And Peach’s royal title is a huge part of the problem.

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“Peach, with only the title of ’Princess’ cannot, by the rules of a monarchy, be the ruling sovereign of the Mushroom Kingdom. If she were, her title would be ’Queen Peach.’ If so, then who is the true ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom? Is there anyone else we can think of in the Kingdom who holds a royal title?”

Doogy65 goes on to claim that, duh, it’s clearly King Koopa Bowser. (And even if Bowser hadn’t been a king, he still would’ve ruled the peons with an iron fist and made his presence known wherever he went, usually with that annoying, evil laugh.)

Of course, one commenter pointed out, “’Bowser’ is the name of Daisy’s father in the movie. Yes, Bowser and King Koopa are [two] separate characters in that film.” But, you know, details, details.

The other rulers in the “Mario” world are simply lesser kings.

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Doogy65 makes note of King Bob-omb (pictured above) and King Boo, but points out how Bowser is basically the Nintendo “American Horror Story” version of the Supreme. (Actually, I made that particular comparison, but Doogy65’s observation rings true as well.) He or she notes, “Bowser is the only one with his…own castles, and controls several other minions besides his own race of Koopas, all of whom seem subservient to Bowser.”

Peach’s castle in “Super Mario 64″ is actually Bowser’s castle.

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Prior to the 1996 release of “Super Mario 64,” the only castle we ever had access to was Bowser’s castle. “It seems whenever Mario shows up accepting Peach’s invitation for tea or cake or whatever, Bowser always beats him to the punch, and is already there when Mario shows up. How can Bowser always know when Mario is coming and beat him to Peach’s castle? Unless of course, it’s also his castle. He’s already there in ’Super Mario 64′ because he’s always there…The place we’ve come to know as ’Bowser’s Castle’ is simply another fortress which Bowser uses to keep Peach away from Mario whenever he comes looking for her,” argued Doogy65.

Oh, and that mural of Peach? Yeah, it’s not really Peach.

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“The large mural of Peach on the castle is not of Peach, but rather the deceased mother, which Bowser commissioned in memorial of her.” If this part of Doogy65’s theory is true, then this is the creepiest backstory ever. I mean, it’s sweet he memorialized his late wife, but then he went and ruined it by trying to have sex with their child.

And Baby Peach isn’t really Baby Peach.

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If you’re thinking, “Hey! What about when Bowser and Peach are both babies? Explain THAT, Doogy65!” Well, he or she does. Doogy65 states, “The ’Baby Peach’ in these games is in fact the original Peach, the one who grows up to be Bowser’s wife and Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom, and the mother of Princess Peach.”

Bowser Jr. helps fuel this theory.

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According to Doogy65, “The last bit of evidence is Bowser Junior, who believes Peach is his mother. Why does he think this? The obvious answer is that Bowser told him, but why would he tell him this? Wouldn’t it become very apparent very early on for the younger Bowser that this wasn’t in fact the case? Unless Bowser has some very solid evidence to support this claim, such as the fact that Bowser Jr.’s true mother looks exactly like Peach. This would easily convince Bowser Jr. that Peach is his mother, rather than his sister, her true relation to him.”

In a twisted way, this makes sense. If Bowser was trying to get with Peach (gross) and Bowser Jr. accidentally walked in on them (doubly gross), then it would look wayyyyy more normal for a husband and wife to be together than it would a father and daughter. Ugh, I need to take a shower now.

INNERSPACE CLIPS