17 Reasons Hogwarts Is Secretly The Worst School Of All Time
Whether you’re already back in school or heading back soon, at least take some comfort in the fact that you don’t have to report to Hogwarts this fall.
Yeah, you heard me right, Harry Potter fans. I know you THINK Hogwarts is awesome, but upon closer inspection, you will realize that it is not. In fact, Hogwarts is kind of the worst. Here’s why:
The commute sucks
It’s a brutal ride, between petty bullying, barf-flavored jelly beans, and the occasional Dementor sighting.
The Sorting Hat will openly mock you on your very first day
Great way to make a first impression.
You cannot trust at least one full quarter of the student body
And if you’re Slythern? Then good luck finding anyone who trusts YOU.
You won’t make the Quidditch team
Getting a spot on the squad is RARE, and if you miss out, you don’t really have any other professional athletic options, so enjoy that.
Hey, that big, beautiful tree on the grounds?
Yeah, stay away from that. The Womping Willow looks like a great, shady study spot, but it’ll be the last studying session you ever have.
And that whole army of evil wizards and witches?
They’re coming for Hogwarts, any day now. Don’t you feel so safe?
Really, everything is a safety hazard
Whether it’s a basilisk roaming through the pipes and turning you into stone, or the Monster Book of Monsters trying to bite your hand off, you are simply not safe at Hogwarts, pretty much ever.
Speaking of security…
…remember that year when Hogwarts was patrolled by Dementors? Yeah, THAT WAS FUN.
Thought your parents couldn’t yell at you?
You’re wrong. They will literally HOWL at you.
Speaking of your parents…
…if they went to Hogwarts, I hope you’re prepared to be compared to them for the entirety of your education. It’s a really good time, you’re going to love it.
The faculty is an ever-changing beast
Don’t get used to your favorite Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher sticking around for long.
Even the good teachers are bad!
You thought Mad Eye Moody was cool? GUESS AGAIN!
The Headmaster plays favorites
If you’re not Harry, you’re not worth it.
No matter how awesome you are, you will never be as awesome as Harry Potter
Get used to it or get out.
You will never be as smart as Hermione
Study all you want. Try as hard as you can. You’ll always be the second smartest wizard or witch, absolute best case scenario.
Oh, and Ron?
Okay, fine, you might be cooler and smarter than Ron.
What kind of name is that? Honestly.
OK FINE HOGWARTS IS AWESOME
I’m just extremely jealous that it doesn’t exist in real life, and even if it DID exist, I would never get in because I’m a lowly Muggle.
(This final moment of honesty brought to you by Veritaserum.)