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Our Game Of Thrones Voter’s Guide Will Help Make The North Great Again

Are you tired of the political paralysis plaguing the Iron Throne? Do you believe the Iron Bank of Braavos is nothing more than a bunch of bureaucratic crooks who care naught for the kingdom’s Flea Bottom 99 per cent? It’s time for a change in the Seven Kingdoms.

Robert Baratheon, the last true king (little men do not count), took the Iron Throne by force, so now we must take it back. So how about we try this thing called democracy? A number of candidates go in—verbose discord, backstabbing, and childish umbrage ensue—and only one emerges victorious as the Protector of the Realm.

To find out where these six candidates stand on the important issues affecting the Seven Kingdoms, we here at the United Fund For A Better Westeros compiled a voter’s guide to educate and inform the good people of the Seven Kingdoms. The power is in your hands, so don’t fuck it up, and please, for the love of the Seven, don’t elect Ramsay Bolton.

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CERSEI LANNISTER

Qualifications: Years of wielding subtle influence over Robert Baratheon and not-so-subtle influence over Kings Joffrey and Tommen. Shows impressive range in mentoring skills, having raised both a psychopath and an open-hearted innocent. Holds her liquor.

Priorities: Separation of church and state, escaping fate, exacting revenge, growing her hair out.

Signature Issues: Creating a sex-positive atmosphere in King’s Landing.

Greatest Weaknesses: Blondes. Male relatives. Wildly overconfident. Too emotional. Should probably smile more.

ON THE ISSUES:

Foreign Policy: Blindly lash out at whoever crosses her. Burn Dorne to the ground. She chooses trial by combat.

Monetary Policy: Charge it to Braavos.

Religious Freedom: Thinks that her own religious beliefs should be all religious beliefs, and that the beliefs of her enemies are heinous and reprehensible. What about something like: “Religion is great, as long as it can be used to control others! Religion is bad, really bad, in all other forms and uses.”

Magic: Wants to repeal and replace prophecy.

Plan for Defeating the White Walkers: Really, really withering gaze. More wine. Wildfire.

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JON SNOW

Qualifications: Skilled warrior with impressive diplomatic abilities. Oral. Thought to be the Prince That Was Promised. Resilient. Trusted running mate.

Priorities: Not dying again, finding true parentage, obtaining a personality, preparing for winter, getting a tan.

Signature Issues: Immigration, climate change.

Greatest Weakness: Soft on foreign policy. Too mopey. Occasionally knows nothing.

ON THE ISSUES:

Foreign Policy: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. No, really. They’re friends now.

Monetary Policy: Favors an inheritance tax.

Religious Freedom: There are no gods, only darkness.

Magic: Yes. See above. Possible warg.

Plan for Defeating the White Walkers: Kinda over that RN, TBH.

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TYRION LANNISTER

Qualifications: Exhaustive knowledge of Westerosi history and philosophy. Improvises well under pressure. Excellent choices in allies. Indomitable communication skills. Can balance a budget.

Priorities: Escaping wrath of his many enemies, introducing something almost like democracy, or at least a less benevolent monarchy.

Signature Issues: Homeland security, budget, and the economy.

Greatest Weakness: The ladies. Poor public image.

ON THE ISSUES:

Foreign Policy: When negotiations fail, some force may be necessary. But he’ll find someone else to fight those battles.

Monetary Policy: Pays his debts.

Religious Freedom: All gods are welcome, even the fire one.

Magic: In favor of, in theory. Has himself an eerie ability to be rescued at the last minute from what seems like certain fate.

Plan for Defeating the White Walkers: Drink heavily.

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DAENERYS TARGARYEN

Qualifications: Dragons. Impervious to fire. Pure bloodline. Fluent in several languages and able to recite her entire name without taking a breath. Tough on crime.

Priorities: Finding dragons, freeing more slaves, amassing army, ruling kingdom, eliminating all men.

Signature Issues: Equality, civil rights, education.

Greatest Weakness: New to this whole ruling-a-city thing. Rookie mhysa-takes.

ON THE ISSUES:

Foreign Policy: The “Daenerys Doctrine”: Invade kingdom, burn men, free slaves, take throne. Also, dragons.

Religious Freedom: Freedom is good.

Monetary Policy: Embraces the popular “dragon buyback” program, wherein you promise to trade a dragon for something and then just burn the buyer.

Magic: Yes, please!

Plan for Defeating the White Walkers: Probably involves dragons and fire. Lots of fire.

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RAMSAY BOLTON

Qualifications: Complete absence of guilt, shame, morals, human decency. Competitive to a fault. Really.

Priorities: Inflicting pain and humiliation, flaying people, making the North great again!

Signature issues: Government reform, capital punishment.

Magic: Magic is for losers. Sad!

Greatest Weakness: Total self-absorption leads to some real blind spots in his judgment. Doesn’t listen to his advisers.

ON THE ISSUES:

Foreign Policy: Attack, attack, attack—and if they don’t agree, send in the hounds. Then, flay them.

Monetary Policy: Wants to eliminate the inheritance tax, and other inheritors, preferably via flaying.

Religious Freedom: There is no such thing as freedom; people of faith make for good flaying.

Plan for Defeating the White Walkers: Flaying.

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SANSA STARK

Qualifications: Emerging from years of abuse and humiliation with humanity and judgment intact. Unbreakable. Good relationship with the military—or a military. One soldier, is what we’re saying. Great posture.

Priorities: Revenge, independence, reclaiming her home.

Signature Issues: Reproductive rights.

Greatest Weakness: Trusts too easily. Has zero foreign policy experience. Somehow still believes in the basic goodness of humanity.

ON THE ISSUES:

Foreign Policy: Find Jon Snow. Take back Winterfell.

Monetary Policy: Find some money to take back Winterfell.

Religious Freedom: Sure!

Magic: If only!

Plan for Defeating the White Walkers: Brienne of Tarth.

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